Drunk Dialing is Like Shooting Yourself in the Foot

I am the most awful and most frequent drunk dialer among all my friends. Points In Case writer Simmon Cullen says that we should have designated dialers to insure that we make responsible phone calls when we are drunk. I fully agree because well... I am possibly the biggest offender and I don't know how I've survived this:

1. Calling up an ex you just broke up with.

- Leave a voicemail instead. At least you will have left him a gift of humor for him and his friends to enjoy for days.  Who said you were a selfish bitch?

"(Singing) Hi, I just called to say, I love you." And I mean it from the bottom of my inebriated heart. The ex—who is more than likely still emotionally attached—stays on the line attempting to reason with you. "You're drunk.  Just drink some water, go to bed, and please call me in the morning to let me know
that you've made it through the night." You slur something that sounds like a mixture of okay and yes—"yokeys"—before passing out with him still on the line yelling a bit too emotionally, "Promise? Promise you'll call me tomorrow? Please remember." Sure buddy I'll remember—when I check my outgoing call history and avoid your five voicemails.

2. Calling up an ex that just broke up with you.

-It's ok to repeatedly call someone as long as you wake up with amnesia FOREVER.

Ah yes. The biggest call you will ever make and regret in your lifetime. Ahem, it goes something like this: "Where did we go wrong? I was happy. Truly happy with you. I miss you cuddling with me! I just want someone to cuddle with!" Then as he/she begins to end this one-sided sob-fest of a conversation you begin quoting the depressing love songs you've been pathetically listening to since the breakup.  "Josh. I can see clearly now, I give you take." "Take your records, take your freedom, take your memories I don't need them!" "I want to be your everything!" And by the next morning not only will you be looking for Advil, you'll be scrounging around desperately for pieces of your dignity.

P.S. You left them at the bar where you made this call. Good luck trying to find them.

3. Pushing the enemy's buttons.

- Isn't it odd that you never drunk dial your bestfriend? That's because they're the ones biting your arm off trying to prevent you from making that call while politely reminding you that, " you have a problem."

Let's face it girls, it's been happening to us since grade school. There's always someone out there you love to hate, and who loves to hate you. And since you're in college you're lucky enough to know her room phone number, possibly even her cell phone digits if you were able to go through your guy friend's directory earlier. If you're on a big campus the odds of you getting caught are slim to none. On a small campus it doesn't take much detective work to figure out who's whispering croakily on the other end. And intoxicated girls say the dumbest things like: "Hi Kimmy you don't know me, but I hear your boyfriend has a small penis. How sad for you. (Click)" Or, "Hey Kimmy, you remind me of Kimmy Gibbler from Full House—skinny, stupid and slutty. Just thought you should know. (Click)"  Sure we think it's a super
creative idea at the time, but you forgot to press *67 and now she has your mobile. And as the Rules of Engagement go, she now has the right to enter cellular warfare. Just be ready for a 7AM wakeup call from her heart to yours.

4. Checking excess baggage with a friend.

- If you are a repeat offender-like me-don't get mad when someone calls to pass on the favor. Feel lucky you have been chosen for this special moment.

Emotional drunks are the worst kind ever. And by emotional I mean criers. The violent ones just wear themselves out fighting each other, but the saps full of crap can push through 'til dawn sobbing about their problems. "Kimmy doesn't like me anymore and I don't know why!" "The bartender gave everyone free shots but me!" "Josh hasn't called me either and it's been three days, but that doesn't matter because Zack is my true love and I let him go. Maybe I should call him!" "Don't tell anyone but I think Keanu
Reeves is a great actor."

Drunk dialing is like shooting yourself in the foot. Or is it wishing you had shot your foot instead? After some of those calls, the foot may recover faster than your dignity. So just remember the next time your phone dies from one calls too many- DON'T look for another phone. It was meant to be. Yes... It is like destiny. 

-Simply Emily

http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/simonne/1-11-04.htm