In the Mean Time...

In my teens, I used to create ridiculously long lists that served as reminders of what I wanted in a potential boyfriend. In my twenties, this same list served as a reminder of all the things I cheated myself out of by being caught up " in the mean time."

Definition: In the mean time- guys one dates before meeting the elusive "Mr. Right."

It is no secret that I have logged on some major "in the mean time" hours. This wasn't because I had never met Mr.Right. That may be up for dispute to some, but for the point of this blog I HAVE. And while I heavily logged on those hours, I forgot the most crucial thing. I forgot that enough "in the meantimes" could add up to a lot of LOST time and confusion. Whether it was holding onto a fling, dating a guy who just wasn't right, or dating just to date, it'll creep up on you and eventually become an ADDICTION of sorts.

My slap in the face came in the form of my bestfriend's boyfriend. I used to get ready for dates at their house and when casually asked who I was going out with I would always reply with an even more simplified answer " just a friend." There was always the question and then an unfailing answer. Dan's (pseudo name) reply to my consistancy? " Emily, keep denying it and you'll never be able to commit." I had brushed off the remark then, but looking back, it was true. I never realized this habit of mine, but to me, guys, all guys, were just friends. Even boyfriends were merely " in the mean times "in guise. I don't know when it had begun, but all men were merely transitionals til I had met "the one."

More important, I had convinced myself at times that there was indeed something real between us just to avoid the fact that I've been wasting my time in something that doesn't count. It was the ugly look of my commitmaphobia I had never been honest about. Even uglier, I was denying the fear.

I have always liked relationships in theory. I don't know when I had lost the appetite for the application of it. Was it self preservation? Was it the idea that something better would come along? Whatever it is, it is currently my biggest vice. Like alcohol, nicotine, or reality t.v. it's definitely something to let go and not hold on to.

Nothing should be " just for now, " because everything worthwhile is meant to last. I had forgotten this along the way and got stuck being comfortable with things I never really wanted in the first place. But I suppose that happens sometimes...