O'Miss Emerson

- I was looking through some old pictures and besides being thoroughly satisfied on how good I used to look, I remembered how fabulous my HH (House Hubby) was as well. I'd date vintage Wes. Had he not liked boys as much as I do and had we stayed sober enough to carry on a resemblance of a conversation? Possibilities I tell you! Should've-Could've-Would've right kids ??

But alas~ gayer than a bag of dicks. We fancy that though. Wes is LA gay in that he doesn't open doors for girls or is particularly nice to them because in all reality he's the Queen Bee you know? From Queen Bee to Bitchy Old Queen- I'd say we were right on track.

I think if my house hubby had been a woman he would have been Roseanne Barr. But I imagine him double f-ing me in the air as we speak and so I'll upgrade him generously to a one MISS Bette Midler. Roseanne doesn't do the classy so well and Lord knows, if anything, were classy. At least we make a good effort and what more can you expect than a good effort after all.

Vintage Wes is almost becoming a myth of sorts because we are getting old- inevitably so- and days of trainwreck coke whores only last so long. The bitch gone and found himself a relationship. Legit and proper, boring and lame, but it was a coming. What can you do? So in leu of this fact I offer up some of my own truths to what I miss about my old miss:

1. Wes and I double fisting shots of Corn Whiskey at 5 AM because we're Southern Belles, but more so partially rednecks.

2. Piggyback rides downtown. Sometimes wasted, but always fun.

3. Seducing unsuspecting non gays. Although... They really were just a bunch of faux
heteros. We don't believe in bi-sexuality because everybody knows it's just a pit-stop to Gaytown. Stop being a greedy f*cker I tell you!

4. Stupid conversations like this.

Me: "John tried to get me to drink with the boys in the Dingleberry Club. I told him I'll sit this one out with you cause we're part of the Clam Clan."

Wes: *Confused* "Clam Clan? What? I don't even like seafood."

Me: *Awkward Silence* "AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA"

Wes: "Ah! SHIT! WAIT! SHIT! "

5. NGB Stick- Nuff said.


I raise my glass to you Vintage Wes of yesteryear. You skinny, obscene, shameless, trainwreck I adore!


- Simply Emily