Penis Envy... It happens

Throughout history there have been some significant womanizers. Don Juan, Casanova, Lothario, Romeo? Any of these famous men ring a bell? Some of you may be confused why our dear Romeo is in the mix with these scoundrels, but don't be fooled ladies. Before Romeo oh so romantically wooed his ever so famous counterpart Juliet, his heart belonged to another. She goes my the name of Roseline FYI.

That is the such with men...Casanova and Lothario become "the world's greatest lovers"- patrons of the art of seduction. And women you ask? Well... Does anyone know a historically significant woman lover? I'm not talking about famous courtesans or geishas because those are just fancy textbook names for classy hos. Yes I realize that was an oxymoron. 

Women are leads in tragic love stories. Ones that end in death or some sort of virginal sacrifice. Why do we get stuck with tragedies? Why do we not reason with our head, but instead get swayed by our heart? The same head that differentiates sex and love in men. The same head that differentiates what men want and what they need. The same head that differentiates... well everything we as women have yet been able to do. Some of you women are going to go all feminist crazy on me, but IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. 

Men can't be persuaded like women. A man doesn't suddenly fall in love with a woman he wasn't attracted to before. He doesn't see her radiating personality one day and realize he has loved her all along. Those are fables called chick flicks. Women on the other hand may put up a good fight, but you keep chipping away at the wood and the tree is bound to fall. We're kinda weaksauce that way...

Somebody find me a powerfully sexy heroine sans tragic love story and I will award you 5 brownie points. 

 

You Can't Be Ugly AND Be a Bitch

I haven't dated the best looking guys and truth be told, I readily admit I wasn't physically attracted to some, if not most of them. But most funny, witty, guys with great personalities don't necessarily score big in the looks department as well. It's called survival of the fittest- You had to grow a personality because you weren't such a looker. But here's the up and up on being ugly:

Ugly people are appreciated for their personality -- Beautiful people never know if people like them for who they are or how they look. I know plenty of pretty women and to be perfectly honest I couldn’t tell you if they have pleasant personalities or not. Heck, I couldn’t tell you if they have a personalities at all. If you’re ugly, though, and someone agrees to go out with you it’s because they like you for who you are. Unless, of course, you are rich. Then they like you because of your money.

Ugly people are funnier -- Think of all the truly funny people you know. Chances are they are unattractive. That’s because ugly people can’t take themselves too seriously. “Son, if you can’t laugh at yourself, my dad used to tell me, “then you’re obviously not looking in the mirror."

Ugly is cheap and easy -- I don’t mean that ugly people are cheap and easy (though that too is often the case) but that ugliness is low maintenance. When you’re ugly you don’t have to worry about trivialities such as make-up, or face lifts, or brushing your teeth. Since nothing you do is really going to matter you can just let yourself go.

Ugly people are more successful -- Beautiful people have everything handed to them. Ugly people, on the other hand, have to work harder to get what they want. Do you think there would be a Microsoft if Bill Gates looked like George Clooney? Great innovations, inventions, and advice columns are always produced by some ugly geek who couldn’t get a date and had nothing better to do than improve the world. Our economy if fueled on ugly.

Ugly people are the majority -- Forget the Democrat and Republican parties. Someday we ugly people will unite and become the biggest voting bloc in the country. One day we will take over and have all the pretty people be at our beck and call. I figure that we can hold our first convention at the state fair since we all congregate there anyway.

Ugly is inevitable -- Beauty fades but ugly is everlasting. If we live long enough we eventually all get ugly. Some of us fortunate ones just get there first.

For those of you who don't have any of these redeeming qualities but remain to be ugly... well then, that is just a scientific mystery because in my opinion you can't be ugly AND a bitch. Happy Columbus Day!

-Simply Emily

http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/archives/001834.html

Drunk Dialing is Like Shooting Yourself in the Foot

I am the most awful and most frequent drunk dialer among all my friends. Points In Case writer Simmon Cullen says that we should have designated dialers to insure that we make responsible phone calls when we are drunk. I fully agree because well... I am possibly the biggest offender and I don't know how I've survived this:

1. Calling up an ex you just broke up with.

- Leave a voicemail instead. At least you will have left him a gift of humor for him and his friends to enjoy for days.  Who said you were a selfish bitch?

"(Singing) Hi, I just called to say, I love you." And I mean it from the bottom of my inebriated heart. The ex—who is more than likely still emotionally attached—stays on the line attempting to reason with you. "You're drunk.  Just drink some water, go to bed, and please call me in the morning to let me know
that you've made it through the night." You slur something that sounds like a mixture of okay and yes—"yokeys"—before passing out with him still on the line yelling a bit too emotionally, "Promise? Promise you'll call me tomorrow? Please remember." Sure buddy I'll remember—when I check my outgoing call history and avoid your five voicemails.

2. Calling up an ex that just broke up with you.

-It's ok to repeatedly call someone as long as you wake up with amnesia FOREVER.

Ah yes. The biggest call you will ever make and regret in your lifetime. Ahem, it goes something like this: "Where did we go wrong? I was happy. Truly happy with you. I miss you cuddling with me! I just want someone to cuddle with!" Then as he/she begins to end this one-sided sob-fest of a conversation you begin quoting the depressing love songs you've been pathetically listening to since the breakup.  "Josh. I can see clearly now, I give you take." "Take your records, take your freedom, take your memories I don't need them!" "I want to be your everything!" And by the next morning not only will you be looking for Advil, you'll be scrounging around desperately for pieces of your dignity.

P.S. You left them at the bar where you made this call. Good luck trying to find them.

3. Pushing the enemy's buttons.

- Isn't it odd that you never drunk dial your bestfriend? That's because they're the ones biting your arm off trying to prevent you from making that call while politely reminding you that, " you have a problem."

Let's face it girls, it's been happening to us since grade school. There's always someone out there you love to hate, and who loves to hate you. And since you're in college you're lucky enough to know her room phone number, possibly even her cell phone digits if you were able to go through your guy friend's directory earlier. If you're on a big campus the odds of you getting caught are slim to none. On a small campus it doesn't take much detective work to figure out who's whispering croakily on the other end. And intoxicated girls say the dumbest things like: "Hi Kimmy you don't know me, but I hear your boyfriend has a small penis. How sad for you. (Click)" Or, "Hey Kimmy, you remind me of Kimmy Gibbler from Full House—skinny, stupid and slutty. Just thought you should know. (Click)"  Sure we think it's a super
creative idea at the time, but you forgot to press *67 and now she has your mobile. And as the Rules of Engagement go, she now has the right to enter cellular warfare. Just be ready for a 7AM wakeup call from her heart to yours.

4. Checking excess baggage with a friend.

- If you are a repeat offender-like me-don't get mad when someone calls to pass on the favor. Feel lucky you have been chosen for this special moment.

Emotional drunks are the worst kind ever. And by emotional I mean criers. The violent ones just wear themselves out fighting each other, but the saps full of crap can push through 'til dawn sobbing about their problems. "Kimmy doesn't like me anymore and I don't know why!" "The bartender gave everyone free shots but me!" "Josh hasn't called me either and it's been three days, but that doesn't matter because Zack is my true love and I let him go. Maybe I should call him!" "Don't tell anyone but I think Keanu
Reeves is a great actor."

Drunk dialing is like shooting yourself in the foot. Or is it wishing you had shot your foot instead? After some of those calls, the foot may recover faster than your dignity. So just remember the next time your phone dies from one calls too many- DON'T look for another phone. It was meant to be. Yes... It is like destiny. 

-Simply Emily

http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/simonne/1-11-04.htm

We Don't Start Off Crazy

cra·zy: mentally deranged; demented; insane.

Women use this term to describe something senseless and impractical. Men use it to describe women they've dated. Ever notice every man has a crazy ex? Coincidence? Not completely.

The next time you're on a date, turn to this seemingly near perfect man and ask him what went wrong in his last relationship/date. 8 out of 10 guys will somehow incorporate the word crazy, and the woman he previously dated, in the same sentence. This is not to say that I haven't had my crazy moments, but here is the thing- WE DON'T START OFF THAT WAY!

Behind every "crazy" Jane, is shithead Dick. Unfortunate, but true. Jane did not wake up one day and realize that she has lost all sense of sanity. No, Jane woke up one day with Dick who did not call her back the next day. 

Women have therapy groups entirely revolving around just these asshole-esque behavior men have created specifically for women. It's as if men somehow have a vault containing all the shitty shitty moves they pull out on special occasions for their lady friends. 

He's Just Not Into You. Ever hear of this little Ny Times Bestseller? Revolutionary. Brilliant. Not because it's frighteningly true or that I may recognize some of those girls in there, but because it is absolutely man's finest hour. And by man, I mean clams are excluded. Acclaimed for opening all the secrets on the endless hours women waste pinning over men and all the bullshit we try to validate, this book shows that you, (I WILL live to regret this) men, may be the superior gender. Men selling back sanity to the women in little how to guides... It's very Fight Club when Brad Pitt sells women back their ass fat- repackaged in the form of cosmetics at high end department stores. Not only did Dick give Jane the wicked flu, he's also holding the NyQuil, charging her double, and just got a sincere thank you card from her in the mail. Brilliant don't you think? I applaud you men. Sometimes this kind of genius makes me wish I had a penis. Maybe I am crazy... 

Use another word fellas. She's not crazy. She just had to adjust dealing with YOU. 


-Simply Emily